personal
The Future is Uncertain and Precarious
I am trying to stay positive but it is hard to focus on anything good through all the muck.
Others have much more serious struggles. Keeping my reality in perspective, compared to others around the world, I keep shoving my feelings down, trying to diminish the pain. Now I fear I’ve reached max capacity of containing the chaos. I’ve snapped.
Trying to see this as a breakthrough, life has a way of forcing us to make the necessary changes, having ignored the gentle nudges. I am being catapulted full speed ahead into uncertainty and I am genuinely scared.
The Breakup
Last night I broke up with my boyfriend of three years, again. It’s been done before but this time is an absolute final. It has to be.
We both work a lot and that can have a way of eroding a relationship. I’ve gotten used to him being at the office for long hours. I was okay with that and I thought he was too. I’ve been keeping busy trying to build up my own means of multiple streams of income. We’d check in daily, but we haven’t spent much time together since our fourth of July vacation.
I’ve been expressing to him that I felt like we need to work more on the relationship and he’d always respond, “We’re good. Everything is fine.”
I had an exceptionally stressful day yesterday and wanted to unwind with my boyfriend. I wanted to simply hang out and watch television. He called me back and said he prefers to pick me up and go out to dinner.
Over dinner, I told him I’d like to go back and hang out at his place. He looked at me and told me, angrily, “No.” Then he got loud in public, “We haven’t spent time together since vacation. I’m not having you come over just for sex.”
“I didn’t mention anything about sex. I just want to spend time with you because we haven’t spent much time together lately. This is me trying.”
On the way to the restaurant, I was telling him what a stressful day I had. I was thanking him for taking us out and sorry I was rambling about my stressful day. He said it was fine. Then the rejection at the dinner table. No one is obliged to spend time with another. I was simply hurt.
After dinner, on the way to drop me off, I told him, “This doesn’t make any sense. Three years together and even though you’re upset about us not spending enough time together, here I am trying, and you don’t want me to come over. We’ve been talking about getting a house together, live together, yet you don’t even want my company. Something’s going on. I told you I just need my boyfriend today. I need you and you’re rejecting me. This is not a relationship anymore. I can’t do this. It’s over.”
He was silent then finally said, “This isn’t how this was supposed to end and you know it.” I know! It was supposed to end with us happily ever after in our new house. I told him I’ve been waiting three years and nothing ever works out as promised.
What I’ve been dealing with for three years.
The first few weeks were bliss, as any budding new romance. But very soon after we met, his ex text him out of the blue. They had been split up for a year and were not in contact. He was ready to move forward in a new relationship. Life was good and we were very happy.
One night he called me crying. Leaning on me about his ex-girlfriend. They were together for approximately seven years. He was pouring out his broken heart about how she cheated.
A mutual friend of theirs sent him texts with photos of her in their bed with different men. According to him, that friend was concerned about them getting back together and she wanted him to know the truth, with proof. It was the first he had seen the photos, photos his ex sent to others with texts bragging about cheating on him.
So, who does he turn to for support? Me. I’ll never forget that night. It was very difficult to console him about his ex when we were starting out.
It may have been the next day, I know it was very quickly he broke up with me and said he was going to work it out with her. He said he wanted to let me know because they were flying out of town immediately to rebuild their relationship and he was not going to be reachable.
I was crushed.
You can’t help what the heart wants. She broke his heart. He broke mine.
That was a tough week, not hearing from him and knowing they were off somewhere on vacation, rekindling their life.
He Needs Me
That didn’t last long. As soon as he got back to town, he contacted me, telling me about how much they argued the whole trip and he couldn't stop thinking about what a good girl he has back home. He wanted to see me and talk things out.
He told me more of their backstory.
They lived together for approximately seven years. She had three children that he helped raise from pre-teen to early 20s. Her husband had passed away from cancer.
Her daughter was getting married and asked (my ex) to walk her down the aisle. That’s wonderful. I would never want to come between him and the children.
He and the ex who cheated on him had been entangled in some business ventures. I’m unsure of the details, but they were tied together because of the messy loose ends of a business they were trying to dissolve.
He told me it was clear to him on the recent trip that it was not going to work with her, but he hatched a plan.
He said they’re going to be spending quite a bit of time together because of the wedding (approximately a year away). He said there were ballroom dance lessons, wedding rehearsals, multiple dinners planned at various times in the coming year to meet with out-of-town guests; several plans of getting together for the wedding, supposedly.
To me, it seemed like an awful lot for a wedding a year in the future.
He said he planned to use that time to play along, pretend to be trying to work on their relationship, all so he can get more from her that he needs to resolve the messy business ties.
I said he should let the lawyers handle it all.
He has a way of manipulating and explaining things to keep me hooked. He assured me he was with me and not her.
Liar
There were so many times throughout that first year that he would not answer my texts and calls, although he assured me I was “the one”. I’d drive to his house and his car wouldn’t be there. I knew he was staying at her house.
Most of the time he didn’t even lie about staying at her house, he would admit he was there, “Just going over wedding plans.” But he’d insist he slept on the couch. So many nights I cried myself to sleep that first year.
The Wedding
Just before the wedding, he’s spending even more time with his ex. But he was also making more effort to try to keep me aboard. “It’s all a ruse to get the paperwork from her. Just hang in there. I am so going to make this up to you. It’s almost over.”
“What do you mean it’s ‘almost over’? You’ve been telling me all along that it’s over with her.” — He’d have those occasional slips of truth and scramble to come up with excuses.
The night before the wedding, he called upset about his ex again. I called him to task. “Why are you so upset? If it’s been over with her, why do you still have such strong feelings? You’re venting to ME about HER. You think I want to put up with this anymore?”
He responded, “You’re right. That’s it. She’s not my girlfriend anymore and not going to be.”
“Anymore? So you’re just deciding now she’s not your girlfriend? What about this past year? Supposedly I’m your girlfriend and she was only in the picture for business reasons. You just slipped up, AGAIN. I am tired of being played!”
He went on with his manipulations. “Tomorrow's the wedding. That’s it. That will be the end of it. I won’t be spending time with her anymore.”
After the wedding he was an emotional mess again. He went into a full meltdown and wouldn’t communicate with me. I figured he was back with her and I accepted that. Turns out, he went on a trip across the country.
The Photo Burned Into My Brain
Enough time away from him, I was starting to find some inner strength and trying to get on with my life.
One evening I got a text from him out of the blue. IT WAS A PHOTO OF HIM ON A BEACH WITH SOME WOMAN SITTING ON HIS LAP WITH HER ARMS AROUND HIM! No words, no nothing. Just sending me a photo of him with another woman. (It wasn’t his ex. I know who the ex is.)
I called him immediately and ripped him a new one. He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about. I screamed at him to check his phone. He claimed he meant to send it to others. He said, “I sent it to __ ___ and ___. You can even ask them. I guess I accidentally included you.”
I ended the call, telling him to never contact me again.
Then I called his bluff regarding the photo. The people he claimed he sent the photo had no idea what I was talking about. They never saw the photo. On the text, I was the only recipient. So he did specifically send that to me, only. Was that him acting out somehow, still distraught about the photos he received of the ex with other men? I’ll never know.
Creeping Back Into My Life — Emphasis, Creep
More time passed and he reached out to me. He was telling me how sorry he was and thanking me for waiting for him. He said he’s been such an emotional mess and realized I was always his rock and that he needs me. I told him I wasn’t “waiting for him” and I was seriously trying to get on with life without him.
He said it felt like he was going through a divorce. He has such a close bond with his ex’s daughter. The finality of walking the daughter down the aisle and finally ending it with his ex sent him spiraling down emotionally.
I ate up his vulnerability and the fact that I was his go-to. He was telling me how much he was thinking of me and missed me. He was telling me how much he needs me.
He managed to weasel his way back into my heart with his sob stories.
A Good Year
For the next year things were pretty solid. He seemed to have worked through his emotional setbacks and was able to be present and fully invested in building a life for us together and buying a house.
He has a house. He built his own 3,000sqft house and has no mortgage. I would bring it up sometimes, that we don’t need to buy another house. But he wouldn’t talk about it.
I always told myself it was none of my business. Without knowing any real reasons, maybe he wants our own house aside from the one he built so in the future when he passes away, it won’t burden his sons deciding what to do about me living in their dad’s house. Pure speculation on my part, I still have no idea.
About That House
For the first two and a half years I was not allowed through the front door! How strange is that? — Okay, what’s the story with this part?
That big house, the front part is a home office. The house operates as the business corporate address. His Office Manager lives at his house. I never met her until a couple of months ago!
Even when things were good with us, I was only allowed to go in and out the back door! Sometimes he would send me out the back while he went out the other way, telling me he had to talk to her about work stuff.
Eventually, I mean a very long time went by when I was not willing to keep my mouth shut any longer, how I was being treated.
“It’s YOUR HOUSE! It is so degrading to me to have to be shuffled in and out the back door. It’s insulting and rude. It has reached the point of causing serious damage because I do not even want to go to your house knowing I’m not allowed through the front door. It’s not right! And it’s just plain weird!”
He relented. He took my hand and drove us to his house. He marched me to the front door. I told him, “You know, this is weird. All this time and this is the first I’m standing on your front step. Don’t you get it? Don’t you see how strange this is?”
He said, “Okay, you asked for this. Brace yourself.”
We walked in and the Office Manager was sitting in a chair watching tv. He introduced us and she would barely look at me. I smiled and expressed the formalities, ‘Nice to meet you’, kind of stuff. She just grumbled and stared at the tv. It. Was. Awkward.
About That Woman
We got back to his part of the house and shut his door. He told me he’s been trying to protect me from her. He said she is an angry person to everyone. She has no friends and is awful. He said all she does is sit for hours either at her desk working or in front of the television stuffing her face with nothing but fast food and gallons of ice cream. She is extremely overweight, which is not me trying to belittle her, but the point is, she’s a miserable, hateful person
“But, she’s amazing at running the business. She’s been doing it over 20 years and that’s why I keep her around. No one can do what she does. THAT’S why you can’t live here. You two would be at each other's throats. I was living elsewhere and she’s been living here long enough now, I don’t want to kick her out. I want her focused on my business, what she does very well and that’s it. I’m not having her move out.”
It made sense to me, but it still hurt. I know she even has her own house that her son and girlfriend live in. She could go back to her own house. It’s been upsetting dealing with this unconventional arrangement. But I don’t have to stress over it anymore now that I ended the relationship.
Promises, Promises
I am now convinced it was never going to happen, our own house and a life with him. In the beginning, going all the way back before the ex came back into the picture, he was so taken with me that he told me one day out of the blue that he bought two cars for me and my daughter. “Hey, you’ll never guess what I did today! I bought you girls cars!”
Now I realize it was just another manipulation to keep stringing me along. I don’t feel like I am a materialistic girl. I genuinely fell in love with him. But maybe on some level, materialistic promises did work some spell to keep me around.
Months went by and I never saw those cars so I pressed. I would ask about the supposed cars and he’d get so upset with me for doubting him. I see now that he was manipulating me for even daring to ask him about the cars.
One day he showed me a really pretty Acura, fully loaded. It was beautiful. “See? There’s your daughter’s car and the other one is in the body shop. It needs some work.” He was snippy with me, talking down to me as he does when he’s trying to make me feel like crap.
How do I know he does that on purpose “…to make me feel like crap”? Because he has told me so on many occasions about other people, how he talks to them to put them in their place. The day after the wedding, he called me specifically to tell me how he pulled that evil crap on his biological daughter.
Him “Hey, did you see my facebook?”
Me “What?”
Him “I put pictures of the wedding on facebook. I was wondering if you saw them.”
Me. “Do you even hear yourself? You want me to see photos of you at the wedding with your ex?! Do you realize how hurtful that is?”
Him “No. Remember, last night I told her it’s over. She showed up to the wedding with another man. I went alone. Ayway, I changed my profile picture to me and ___ (bride). THAT OUGHTTA STICK IT TO ____ (his biological daughter). She never let me walk her down the aisle for her wedding, so I hope she sees my profile picture, really sticking it to her good.” — Then he laughed his creepy, sadistic laugh.
Me “What the hell are you doing? Do you hear yourself? This is disgusting. I don’t even know what to think of you right now?”
He got off the phone. That manipulative, ugly man. When he wants you in his life, you’re in the good circle. Dare cross him and he is capable of operating from a diabolical part of his mind. It’s sick.
About That Car
Well, my daughter did eventually get her car as a surprise. I didn’t tell her about it before because I didn’t want to get her hopes up. She lived on the University campus and walked to classes. We gave her the car after she graduated. That was a year ago.
I’ve still never seen my car.
I feel petty like I’m huffing, “Hmphff! Where’s my car?!” But it’s the fact of being lied to for so long and about so many different really shitty things I put up with.
Last night I told him I am holding him to that car. I told him for all he’s put me through I at least want a car that he kept promising.
“How weird is that, that my daughter got a car from my supposed boyfriend and I never got a car? Just like our future, the house, NONE of it was ever going to happen. I know that now. Hell, you don’t even want me to come over to hang out after dinner. Nothing makes sense!”
He told me he does have the car. He said it’s being painted now. He said it’s a 2018 Honda Civic Sport(?), fully loaded. He was so specific and getting upset at me for doubting him again. He said he was trying to get it ready to surprise me for my birthday (passed).
I first heard about the cars THREE YEARS AGO. There had to be some bs story in all that time. It does not take three years to straighten out DMV paperwork from auction and get the car fixed and painted.
At least my daughter got a car and I am very appreciative for that.
I will get a text from him eventually because I have been driving one of his company cars. That’s been a blessing to not have a car payment and the company keeps the insurance current year to year. That’s been a huge weight off my responsibilities. — But I had to stop doing DoorDash deliveries because he didn’t want me involving his company car, just in case. I was embarrassed I didn’t take that into consideration before.
My Next BIG Life Change
Absent deliveries income, I cannot afford to live here anymore. I’ve been in this apartment for six years. I’ve really loved this apartment. I am up on a hill, on the top floor, with views across the valley and the entire Las Vegas Strip. The city lights are beautiful out my living room and bedroom windows.
I’m okay with this move now. Life is kicking my ass, giving me a headstart out the door. I’ll have to settle somewhere else, smaller for now. I found options around town for affordable studio apartments, but it’s going to be jarring living in a rough area. It’s all I can afford for now.
I am more worried for my dog. When I resume DoorDash deliveries and have to leave the apartment, I know, without a doubt, criminals will be watching. At some point, someone is bound to break in. I don’t care what they steal, except for my dog. It will crush me if she is ever stolen or hurt. — I can take my computer with me in the car, but it gets so hot in Las Vegas, it would be cruel and against the law to leave her in the car. If I left it running with the AC on, here in Las Vegas, someone would steal the car. — There’s so much for me to worry about, but I know I have to have faith and take one day at a time.
Conclusion
My future is uncertain and feels quite precarious. I’m scared and have overwhelming waves of anxiety attacks with only moments in between where I feel I can breathe. But I’m not giving up.
I am working on growing my work-from-home income, but it’s not enough, yet. Losing the option to do deliveries has been a huge setback. If anyone wants to contribute, your help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for reading and for considering helping.
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